Dating is complicated, especially for someone who struggles with anxiety. Pile on the fact that I’m shy and an introvert, and I hit the trifecta for an awkward date for all involved. At first it probably comes across as cute and endearing, but as time goes on, the truth comes out and all bets are off.

Because this blog site is engineered around my spilling of the truth, I guess it is only fitting that I express myself with a level of realness I would not otherwise share with strangers. While it may be slightly embarrassing to admit some of the private details of my life, I want to preface by stating that I am not ashamed of this truth, and if someone makes me feel that way, maybe it’s not meant to be.

For women especially, there is a societal pressure to push boundaries and flaunt our sexuality. I was not hardwired that way, and I am proud that I never fell victim to the throngs of thirsty teen boys and vulgar men with agendas. I am a strong and independent woman, and I know what I want in a man and in a relationship. Therefore, dating for me is strange because of the “shock” factor, which will be explained a little later on in the blog.

Oftentimes on a first date, the topic of past relationships and/or dating experience surfaces. This is the moment in the encounter when my anxiety kicks in full-throttle, and I can feel the red waves creeping up my neck. Typically, men go through two stages: the “getting around stage” in their late teens and well into their early twenties and the “settling down stage” in their late twenties. Nine times out of ten, I end up with the “getting around” type, and if you know me well enough, you know that’s just not my style. If I do happen to meet someone with the same goals, the conversation takes an unexpected turn, and here is why.

I think the only way to accurately describe the verbal exchange is to compare it to job experience. For example, most places of business will not hire an individual unless they have some sort of experience, whether that be an internship or volunteer work. The applicant must demonstrate prior knowledge to receive the privileges and benefits of a well-payed full-time job in their career field. (It’s the one thing they don’t tell you while in your undergrad.) This analogy is pretty spot-on for the conversations I have with men when the prior dating experience question pops up mid-date.

When the man utters the question, I normally take about five seconds to mentally prepare myself for their response because it’s definitely a doozy. And maybe I shouldn’t be as confused by the response anymore, but for a girl in her twenties to have very limited dating experience, my story is pretty normal. Apparently, men see it a little different, and it’s actually quite ironic that my story in society today is shocking. To start, it is necessary that I take it way back to my high school days because that will set the the tone for what follows. Buckle up ladies and gents, because here goes my tell-all about the times that men made me feel small for my experience or lack thereof.

High school for me was a time of discomfort; I was insecure about my weight, I had no fashion sense, and I never really felt like I fit in. Guys paid me no attention, and I spent four years watching everyone around me pair off into “relationships” (because if I’m being real, they’re infatuations in high school). This included all of my siblings, and I was the shy girl who liked to be by herself. Don’t get me wrong, the introvert in me was thrilled that I would rather spend my time writing or reading rather than going to trashy parties that got busted more often than not. In other words, I never wanted to be a part of the crowd; I wanted to stand out against the trends and tropes and be different. I never thought being different would come back and try to haunt me later on.

When college was just around the corner, I thought this is it Alex, you’re finally going to break out of your shell. And I did just that. I overcame a lot of my prior anxieties, but that does not mean I eradicated every loose end. I went from the shy girl who watched everyone around her pair off into relationships to the girl who now has to watch everyone tie the knot and have children. I am so happy for each person in my life who has someone to share their joys with, but after a while, the smile fades, and I have to fake it because it does want to break me down. The loneliness takes over, and I feel sorry for myself. “Friends” often tell me that I have to put myself out there to be happy, and while there is some truth to this in retrospect, the insecure woman that I am finds this the most difficult. However, I did put myself out there, and it has definitely opened my eyes and taught me a few things along the way.

My dating experience started about six months ago. I attend a rather small Catholic college where I take the maximum amount of credits a semester and work 25 plus hours a week. I see my friends very rarely, and I live alone. Male attention is pretty limited going to a Catholic school and working in all of my spare time, and when I do receive attention from the testosterone ridden species, it is only from the greedy eyes and mouths of the pre-pubescent and the elderly. Men my age do not approach me, and when I tell guys this on dates, they give me shocked mutterings and expressions and then provide two reasons when I ask why men do this: 1) “You’re a beautiful woman, and that is intimidating to a man;” 2) “Men are scared of rejection as well.” Let me just tell you that this is the most frustrating thing because women are not generally programmed to make the first move, and I feel when we do, there is an immediate assumption that we’re promiscuous because we dared to approach the guy gawking so hard that he lost his man-card and ability to get up and speak.

After the initial shock of this admittance fades, the next question proceeds as follows: Well you have hooked-up, right? Again, I would like everyone to refer back to the little tidbit about high school, or if you knew me back then, try and picture what I did and how I looked. No one was trying to talk to me back then, and you know what, I’m glad. At the time, I was heartbroken and ashamed, but now that I look back, it shaped me into the person I am today, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Most people go through the awkward dating stage in their teens, and I never did. I skipped right over the “flaunt it and fling it” stage because I knew it was something I didn’t want. I can confidently say, that to this day, I have not had a hook-up or a one night stand. What I learned real quick is that this admission makes men uncomfortable, but I’m not going lie or gloss over the facts. And it’s honestly okay if it makes a man uncomfortable, but in the processing stage, don’t allow your “shock” to make me feel small and insecure about the choices I’ve actively made in my adult life. If it’s not for you, call it quits. I have a tough exterior; I can handle it. I’ve made it this far without the crutch of a man to make me feel better, and I can keep going if that’s what I have to do. Like I said, I’m strong and independent; I don’t need someone in my life. I’m just now at that point where I’m realizing that I want to share a part of myself with someone else.

At this point in my tell-all, you’re probably waiting for the expected spiel about how coffee gets me through everything, but there is one last morsel of truth that I need to throw your way before I end the longest blog ever. After the “hook-up” question I feel as if men can sense that I’m a little more inexperienced than I let on, which by the way, is normal if you’ve only met a few times. I’m not going to tell my life story after knowing you for 0.3 seconds. Maybe it’s the way the question comes up in conversation, but when asked, it took me right back to that girl in high school who struggled with her weight and didn’t fit in. Have you ever kissed anyone?

The answer to this question is no, because if I haven’t dated or partied it up like a fish out of water, how was I supposed to happen upon waiting lips? Once again cue the shocked mutterings and facial expressions, and I’m never sure how to handle the responses. For my age, I realize that it is a little abnormal, but when you’ve lived the life I have you’d understand why. I need a connection with someone and intellectual conversation; I don’t just throw myself at people for the sake of it. I’ve watched friends and acquaintances do just that, and I can’t. Maybe you’ll think less of me or think I’m just weird or that there has to be some other reason why. I can assure there isn’t, and it all comes down to the fact that for seven years of my life, the attention of boys and men gravitated everywhere but me. That did a lot of damage to my self-esteem, and I’m only now starting to feel confident in all parts of myself.

I said from the beginning that I would be discussing the good, the bad, and the ugly, so if you can’t handle the truth, take a hike. I’ve been doing fine just the way I am. Ladies, don’t let a man make you feel small for something you have or have not done or experienced, whether it’s common or not. Be true to yourself, and one day, the right man will be by your side with a steaming mug just for you.