Words are my therapy. They are ounces of expression that allow me to filter out the unwanted minerals and pollutants. Words are the most painful part of life because they inhibit vulnerability in our world where such openness is ridiculed. The weight of the words on my heart keep me from a weekly therapy session - the keyboard the couch, the screen the gentle scribble of pen on pad as a certified practioner takes note. It's as if my voice has been censored, told what to do and what not to do, all because of the fear that what I've always found solace in - blogging - will be drug out into the streets and put on display.

I crave stringing together my innermost thoughts and feelings because it is how I cope with all things in my life; it is how I've always carried myself - as an unwritten script ready to showcase the opening number. I fell in love with the idea of sharing my story, which keeps gaining traction as I keep experiencing the textures and colors of adulthood. But, something always stops me from cracking open my laptop and exercising my digits.

Except today ... today something came over me, and I found myself called to the screen for the first time in a very long time. I was drawn back into the light. For the longest time, I was writing to find myself. I spent a majority of my time as a teen and a young adult floudering on the inside while on the outside I seemed what at the time was considered my normal. I wanted to see for myself why everyone else around me was happy and excited and bright. I was always in contrast to my peers, and I wanted answers. Hence, The Truth About Coffee.

I began my journey in darkness, seeking light. What I failed to realize all along was that the light was with me all along, laced into the very contours of my heart, waiting for inward discovery. You see, I had been searching amidst the masses, in the outside world, seeking the happiness I thought I needed. Now, I learned to see this light inside myself.

At weekly mass this past week, I was listening to the homily by our school chaplin, and I felt the light consume me from the inside-out. I had always wondered - as a practicing Catholic - what it meant to really feel connected to God. I would hear stories of these physical manifestations of God through random acts and the appearance of His voice in answer to one's prayers. But, I had never experienced this myself ... because I was always searching instead of letting him speak through me.

It was all-consuming. And, I now understand the inability to express or vividly explain the experience in my own words. What was and still is to me the most striking is the overwhelming emotion. I felt everything - my worries, a long-distance relationship, the continuing stress of adapting as a teacher - consume me and then melt away, and all I felt was love. The purest love found only when one seeks God within oneself.

I am so grateful for having the opportunity to live out my vocation and teach the students I'm teaching this year, because without them, without this, I'm not sure I ever would have known what an endless love like His feels like. After teaching Augustine's Confessions and seeing the faith lived out amongst my students and colleagues, I now know why I'm here, in this spot, this year.

While this may be one of the hardest years of my life, it is still proving the most fruitful, with more love than I could have ever imagined. Feeling that spiritual connection - the tether I never noticed before - will make me a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, and a better teacher because I now know my purpose, my journey, and what exactly my mission is in this life.

I know I've been absent for quite a while once again, but my hope is that I can slowly get back into the groove of giving all you lovely readers a little dose of the Truth About Coffee. Until next time ...

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."